i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
