drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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