I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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