the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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