I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
