Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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