it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
