1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
