I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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