just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
