When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
