sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
