just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
