giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
