thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
