Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
