My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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