So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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