At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
