Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
