He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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