is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
3 2 1 whiskey
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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