there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
