when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
