dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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