Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
