My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
