what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
