Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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