How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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