first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
