He kissed a someone with a penis
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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