I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
