we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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