I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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