but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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