Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
