I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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