Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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