peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
