the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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