The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
