hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
