gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
