I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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