There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
why do cheetos always look like penises
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
