Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
