don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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