i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
