okay pat passed out under dana's car
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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