I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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