captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
