right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
3pm strippers are depressing
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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